I’ve started posting more in this sacred sexuality series, I felt it was fair to share my own experience with the topic and how I’ve gotten to the point where I’m sharing on this. I’m currently six years celibate after leaving my first (and only) sexual relationship. I was faced with a lot of decisions over the years that followed, and I made a lot of choices at different stages of healing. ☾
I was raised in a Christian household, that expected me to be a virgin until marriage. Once I moved out, within four weeks I began a sexual relationship that lasted a year and a half. Without getting into details, it was a very emotionally and mentally abusive relationship, as well as very physically abusive. My attitude about sex changed drastically based on the mood of my partner. I was looking for love and intimacy and convinced that sex was the way to get it. ☾
I was staying stagnant and still trying to get the validation only I could give myself out of a manipulative partner. The time came when I found out that he had been sleeping with two other women — further exasperating my feelings about sex and being validated emotionally and physically — so I packed my bags, moved to the city, and never moved back. ☾
I’ve been celibate since. I was so traumatized by the whole experience, it made sense for me to cut off my heart entirely — since I had mistakenly taken an abusive sexual relationship for a loving and intimate one. As I’ve grown and healed over the past six years, I’ve kept up my celibacy, but for different reasons. ☾
I’ve fallen in love with the person that I am, how she thinks, what her humor is like, what she looks like, how she loves (so deeply!) and what her spiritual giftings are. I know how sacred that sexual energy transfer is because I gave it to the wrong person and it required years for me to heal afterward. I’m not confusing “getting laid” with “getting love” anymore, I get that love from myself. I know the standards I have now, and the incredible man I’ll share this with when the time comes. Because the time will come, and so will I (pun 100% intended).